US Drug Enforcement Administration Advocates For Nationwide Cannabis Legalization

In a surprising about-face by an institution formerly committed to the elimination of all drugs and the and eradication of all drug use in the United States, the US Drug Enforcement Administration stated today that they are now in favor of cannabis legalization.

While the decision might be seen by many as a highly unexpected reversal of decades of stringent anti-cannabis advocacy, Uttam Dhillon, the USDEA’s Acting Administrator sees the shift as a matter of practicality.

“Thanks to the coronavirus epidemic, everyone here at USDEA is working from home now, and it’s given us a lot more time to think about our priorities. The reality,” says Dhillon, “is that most states have declared medical cannabis businesses to be essential during this crisis. Combine that with the fact that cannabis is legal in 11 states for adults over the age of 21, and legal for medical use in 33 states, it really just seems like a matter of time. So, we thought why not just go with the flow?” 

“We can pretty much anticipate every agency’s budget is going to shrink. So why spend what little money we’ll have fighting an inevitability?”

Preston L. Grubbs, USDEA’s Principal Deputy Administrator, who is also in charge of overseeing the agency’s budgets, noted that he expects a financial crisis in the coming year which might well be ameliorated by cannabis legalization. 

“For one thing,” says Grubbs, “the federal government is hemorrhaging cash in an effort to stave off economic collapse. We can pretty much anticipate every agency’s budget is going to shrink. So why spend what little money we’ll have fighting an inevitability?”

Grubbs also notes that cannabis sales have not decreased during the pandemic-inflicted economic downturn, and that the cannabis industry is the most likely sector to rebound quickly. “I mean, it’s a plant,” says Grubbs. “You can grow it anywhere. Hell, people already do. And we know it also eases pain and anxiety. Honestly, we’re gonna need all the economic and emotional help we can get.”

“Fuck it. Just legalize while Trump is busy with the whole COVID thing. He’s got the attention span of a gnat anyway. Even if it pisses him off, he’ll get distracted by some other shiny object in, like, 5 seconds.”

An anonymous source within the agency says that during a high-level coronavirus strategy meeting with the US Department of the Treasury, Secretary Steven T. Mnuchin told Dhillon, “Fuck it. Just legalize while Trump is busy with the whole COVID thing. He’s got the attention span of a gnat anyway. Even if it pisses him off, he’ll get distracted by some other shiny object in, like, 5 seconds.”

The source claims Dhillon responded, “Oh why not? I’ve been lighting up for years. Plus, I’m tired. I’ve got better things to do with my time.”

Official USDEA spokesperson Russell Baer said, “I think we can get this thing done before the coronavirus burns itself out this spring. By the time folks can leave their homes, it’s gonna be a whole new world out there.”

No White House spokespeople could be reached for comment.